people say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were.

amen, brother.

2007-03-28T10:43:00.001-07:00

Overheard near some fresh chocolate chip cookies this morning:

"Are you watching what you eat?"
"Yeah, I'm watching it go into my mouth."

stay out of jonestown!

2007-03-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

We watched "The Secret" on Monday. I couldn't hear anything that was going on, so all I got from it was "Don't drink the Kool-Aid." Also, don't lock your bike up, because doing so means you're thinking about it getting stolen and since you're thinking of it, it'll happen! Obviously, many people in Rexburg only halfway practice "The Secret," because they leave their doors unlocked, but still get stuff stolen.

"let the dreamer awake and you will see psychosis." - jung

2007-02-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in ages and ages and for that I apologize. And I am not actually really posting anything now because I'm writing an English paper which is due tomorrow, and I had four hours of sleep last night, so this is going to be quite interesting (or not) considering I have difficulty remaining coherent when I am fully alert; it's truly strange to be reading and writing about dreams (currently with an emphasis on Freud) when I feel like I'm going to fall in to one at any moment.

At any rate, I am listening to The Summer Obsession at the Moment ("Death Said") though I'd rather be listening to Sleeping At Last but I'm not because that would probably Give Me The Wrong Idea and I wouldn't be getting anything done. Never mind that I've had like a month to write this paper. Be proactive, that is tonight's lesson.

Amen.

lucky, lucky, you're so lucky!

2007-02-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

Before I read my article about interpersonal conflict, I had a moment of intrapersonal conflict. This is because I'm not in English class right now, where I should be. But I didn't do anything over the weekend, so I'm catching up now, plus I had to clean my room because we've got clean checks tonight and I won't be getting home until late. So now I've got things going on from 10:15 until like nine tonight instead of a 12 hour shift (nine-to-nine). Horray.

Anyway, I read (actually, am reading...) this article called Interpersonal Conflict and Effective Communication. This article hits on some very good points. For instance, in one of my other classes, we were discussing how conflict really is necessary for relationships to get stronger. Bonds are strengthened by overcoming conflict, by learning how to deal with it. It is the resolution of a conflict, and the means by which that resolution is achieved, that will help determine the success of a relationship.

A main component in dealing with conflict is the way in which it is faced; avoidance is a common thing that people do. It's a form of negative reinforcement. When you avoid what you perceive to be a stressor, your stress level decreases, and as such, you're likely to continue this course of avoidance in the future. This is an awful lot of effort after a while, though, all in order to avoid an action. And like Brother Adams has said, unexpressed feelings never die; they just mutate and pop up again later in uglier ways. Freud and other psychodynamic theorists have said something similar to this, but since this is communication and not psychology and I'm running late as it is, I won't go there. Other people get mad and blame others. This is useless; it's juvenile and gets both parties angry. Others see it as a competition, and this is also not good because they become concerned only with their own success, and measure their success based upon how much "better" than their opposition they believe themselves to be. Other people compromise (the lowest form of win/win) using manipulation, so essentially, they're still saying "my interests are more important than yours."

In order to resolve conflict most effectively, the solution must be reached mutually, people must be able to still feel valued afterward, and both parties should feel they've won, though not in the sense that they've defeated someone else.

There are several techniques defined that can be used in situations of interpersonal conflict, which include empathy and I-Statements. Another technique is called "stroking" wherein you find positive things to say to the other person. I think this can be a powerful tool because not only does the person you're conflicting with feel more respected (and hopefully therefore less defensive), but you begin to view them in a different light, not as your enemy--another child of God.

More later, sorry I've procrastinated.

science is simply common sense at its best; that is, rigidly accurate in observation, and merciless to fallacy in logic.

2007-02-15T20:55:00.000-08:00

In fact, it does kind of burn when you lick a Big Red gum wrapper and stick it to your forehead.

Okay, well so far this week we've learned about respect and its role in communication (like we saw in "Dances With Wolves," they had a stick to pass around so people would take turns talking, and when the next person spoke, they would start their "two cents worth" with and instead of but. Because "and" shows that you're taking more of an active listening stance, whereas "but" suggests more of a selective listening mode, and that you're just negating what the person before you said. Also we did some sort of activity about a barking dog and at one point, when I was the observer, I was supposed to do something with X's and O's but I got really confused so I just played tic-tac-toe by myself, which makes it impossible to win or lose, but hey, we're not supposed to be competitive, right?

And then on Wednesday we all ate candy (thanks to whoever brought that) and got Valentine's from Rachel and Elle! Thank you! Even though I personally choose to celebrate Oregon Statehood Day on 14 February, there is nothing quite like Brand Spankin' New Doug valentines to brighten things up even more!! That was such a great show...

We learned that competitiveness isn't a good thing. Isn't it weird how in our society, everyone's goal is to put more distance between themselves and everyone else? What would it be like if people tried to be more unified? Anyway, I was glad to hear this, because I am not at all competitive. Life is less stressful that way, I think.

With the topic of a toxic roomate we were able to discuss a chart with consideration on the x-axis and courage on the y-axis. It shows how the interaction of these two variables results in people's personalities and the outcomes of their dealings with others. I'll just give a brief overview of these four attitudes:

With high courage and low consideration, the individual in question will seek a win/lose outcome and will have an agressive-defensive attitude when conflict arises (or even when it doesn't and they just want to complain about something).
Low courage and high consideration leads to the opposite; this passive defensive person becomes a doormat because they're doing everything they can for other people because they want to be liked.

Actually, I have an experience about what happens if these two behavior patterns continue against each other; I can say from experience that the dominant/demanding person will continue to get more demanding, and in this case I was the doormat and over the course of like two weeks my EBA with this person had a definite deficit as far as I was concerned, and they kept pushing at me and finally there came a time where there was a last straw and things got really really bad--definitely a lose/lose, destructive situation for both of us.

However, if we'd been better at communication, we may have been able to end up in a win/win situation (though it probably would have been compromise, the lowest form of win/win, and I think that would've kept things ending up badly). In retrospect, I think I would have just decided to disengage from interacting with this person altogether, because whatever the issue was was far more reaching because once things were resolved between me and this individual, she started going after one of my friends. It was just really weird.

Another thing we covered was an extended "maturity continuum." On the bottom is codependence, above that is counterdependence, then dependence, then intradependence, then interdependence, which has three degrees of glory in and of itself, the lowest being interdepencence, then above that comes independence (not sure how that works based on what we've learned earlier), and the highest of them all is inter-independence.

I will go into more detail but it's 10:27 p.m. now and I'm sort of bored with this at the moment.

polly wanna cracker?

2007-02-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

Empathic listening sometimes makes me feel like one of those people in the movies, as mentioned on the site MovieCliches.com.

On the subject of phones, how about variations of the Bob Newhart-style conversation where we only get to hear one side of the conversation, as in: Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet? (PAUSE) And you already called Bill's? (PAUSE) What did he say? (PAUSE) He hasn't seen her either. (PAUSE) So, John's getting nervous? (PAUSE) He's going to call the police...
If I'm not mistaken, the conversation must have gone like this:
"Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet."
"Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet?"
"No, and I've already called Bill's."
"And you already called Bill's?"
"Yes."
"What did he say?"
"He hasn't seen her either."
"He hasn't seen her either."
"John's getting pretty nervous about this."
"So, John's getting nervous?"
"Yes, he's going to call the police."
"He's going to call the police..."

isn't enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

2007-02-10T20:02:00.000-08:00

I hate Valentine's Day, or more specifically, Valentine's candy, or, actually, any candy, including swedish fish; I need to get into a sugar detox program, STAT, because I don't think I've ever felt this sick.

I am listening to the Arcade Fire right now ["Rebellion (Lies)"]. I think my roomate is singing but whisperingly because all I hear are the "s-es" and the "sh-es" and the "kuhs." So I am turning up my music. She won't mind, she has headphones on. This is how we communicate, because, while I'm not sure where our trust stands, our emotion is really low. I'm not sure what form of listening you'd use in low trust/low emotion situations.

Now I am listening to "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton, which is such a fun song. I'd better title my post now.

Let me get my notes so I remember what we talked about yesterday.

How long has it been since I updated this thing, anyway? A while. Ugh. Head throbbing.

I have "Response+ABILITY" written in big blue letters, so that is perhaps a good concept. Have the ability to respond.

Anyway, I remember now; we talked about Akido. We stood in a circle and went "Huah! Huah!" while we hoped we didn't hurt anyone (by making them laugh too hard and end up with an aneurysm or something). The gist of the situation was that we should be more Eastern because in the West we're more into using force and it's less effective than using/channeling energy. I'm not going to get into the mechanics like about shoulders and all because I didn't quite get it, but suffice it to say that force you just kind of throw around and hope it'll eventually knock into something (preferrably an obstacle and not an expensive vase or an expensive face) and get it out of your way. Energy, on the other hand, uses more of you than just your shoulder. Your whole body is behind it and you're going through your target, not just into it. It's more momentous.

And then the concept of Akido is demostrated to further emphasize empathic listening (to Muse right now, "Map of the Problematique"--okay, I'll just start listing my music at the bottom of this post, all right.). In this technique, you're approaching the person with a feeling of Utmost Personal Regard. You don't want to get hurt (obviously), and you don't want them to get hurt, what with your Utmost Regard for them and everything, but you're willing to help them get all tired out so they'll be more reasonable. So you keep rephrasing content until they get so worn out venting and so bored with carrying the conversation on all by him or herself while you tell them what they just said... Sorry, I guess it does work, but it's really taking a while for me to accept it. Especially the whole example with the girl getting mad at her boyfriend and asking questions about that girl that he's staring at for four consecutive days, and he's like "So you want to know why..." Uh, yeah. You're quick. But that's not progressing anything, moving anything along except the other person's blood pressure.

Some other things to keep in mind when you're doing this Akido stuff (channeling their energy away from injurious consequences and so forth) is to hold back; restraint in empathic listening is key. It's really tempting sometimes to just jump into the fray and start throwing punches or whatever, but that doesn't succeed in doing anything except giving you things to regret later when things turn out worse and your hindsight is 20/20 and you're like "oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that" but it's too late now, isn't it!! Another thing to do is to anticipate and be on your guard. When people are really angry, that's actually a good sign, because that means they still care. Hatered isn't the opposite of love, apathy/indifference is. Remember that unexpressed feelings never die, they're buried alive, and they come back from the not-dead more intensely than ever, since they've had even more time to build up and fester and otherwise get gross and then comes back in more ways than before because they've had more time to be "creative" in their expression of unhappiness.

Don't worry, I'm almost done and, oh no, I still have to go get my laundry... So I'll make this quick. Don't be intimidated by what's going on. Remember the high personal regard. They are a child of God, and so are you. Remember this, and don't feel like you've got to defend your status. Be willing to sacrifice yourself to their anger; if they're insulting you, don't fight back. Like the way the Anti-Nephi-Lehis responded when the Lamanites came in for the slaughter. If you're humble and don't give them the reaction they're expecting, the fight they're looking for, their heart may be softened; with emotional akido they'll also be getting tired and then whatever upset-ness they have at the end will be toward themselves, but if you're nice about it, and forgiving, they can feel better about everything, too.

"Phantom Of The Opera" - Me First And The Gimmie Gimmies
"Brightly" - Sleeping At Last
"Say The Word" - The Classic Crime
"One More Day With You" - Eisley
"Existentialism On Prom Night" - Straylight Run
"Weapon" - Matthew Good
"Your Guardian Angel" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"Playing Favorites" - The Starting Line
"Hang Me Up To Dry" - The Cold War Kids
"Dream To Make Believe" - Armor For Sleep
"A Bottle Of Red, A Bottle Of Spite" - Houston Calls
"Goodnight Goodnight" - The Hot Hot Heat

the weather still continues charming.

2007-01-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am confused.

There were some highlights today though. I'm not sure what any Oedipal complications might ensue from a public pantsing (and I certainly don't want to think about such implications), but let me say it is nice to use an iceberg analogy without hearing anything about the id, ego, or superego (or concious/subconcious/unconcious). Instead, the tip of the iceberg (the part that pokes above the surface of the sea so penguins can lounge around on it and unsinkable ships can smash on it thereby spawning ridiculous movies that I refuse to watch) is representative of the skill involved in empathic listening (a skill which still seems beyond my grasp as I am still in the stage of concious incompetence, see the post below the tarantula for more information). The real heft of the iceberg, however, is found beneath the surface, and consists of one's attitude. Because, lets face it, if you're not listening with real intent, it doesn't matter how much skill you've got. You're going to sink, and it isn't going to be pretty. Especially in those highly emotional situations where trust is scarce.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it very stressful to even verbally vent to people when I don't feel like I'm really getting feedback. What's worse is when you talk and talk and talk and they don't. Say. Anything. You feel very ridiculous after you've spilled your soul/frustrations/marbles everywhere, and the other person just sits there like they aren't listening (or are perhaps asleep, or begins talking about something totally bland and unrealated once you're done), and you get to pick it all up and limp pathetically away, and then trust is even lower. A certain person in my family does that a lot, and it absolutely aggrivates me. Actually, maybe that's why they do it.

But somehow I'm not seeing yet how having someone tell you (sorry, use qualifiers, such as "it sounds like you were distraught when Greta's roomate started eating your bandana collection") that you're upset, especially right after you've told them you're upset, is supposed to help anything. I mean, maybe it's all right initially, you know, getting on the same page and all, but after you keep doing that over and over again, where do you go? I hope we learn this soon, because then maybe this whole thing might fit together better for me.

Another thing we touched on today is that when you are in a situation where you're probing, try not to do it autobiographically (especially when that means applying your life to a situation that you don't know anything about yet and end up "punching holes in someone's onion"). And that judgements are bad (whoops, that was a judgement, huh). At least in the context of calling someone crazy or something. Because we all fall at different places on the DSM IV-TR and associated diagnostic/classification/assessment tools at different places at different times at our lives. Also, judgements (unrighteous judgements) are based around pride which is emnity between oneself and another individual and, judging by the cyclical patterns found in the Book of Mormon, often referred to as the "Pride Cycle," we know nothing goes well when pride takes over. Because "I" is right in the middle of prIde, and, frankly, it's not all about you. When we're dealing with other people, it's important to remember that we are all children of God and that they all have their own backgrounds and experiences and gifts and contributions to make to the world. In our dealings with our Brothers and Sisters, we must think not only of what the Savior would do, but how He would do it. As mentioned in class, even Moroni had his moments of frustration, but when Pahoran (who, instead of getting defensive, responded calmly and recognized Moroni's heart was in the right place) replied, Moroni recognized his own mistakes and was humbled. If we have humility and the right attitude, we can become empathic listeners.

Sorry, that was really long.

no! little donkey! ogres are not like cakes! and quit asking probing questions!!

2007-01-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

Okay! Monday's class... Uh.

I think after that, BroAdams should perhaps bring us parfaits, because you know, not everybody likes onions.

Okay, so I've gathered that everyone has a soft inner core. Based on the plant life around my home, I know that even pine cones have a soft inner core. And so we're supposed to get to that. But the kicker is, we're supposed to get to there without having that as our agenda. Okay! Are we all lost yet? Good. You've obviously been attending.

Once again, we've addressed the Emotional Bank Account concept, this time especially geared toward these lovely high emotion, low trust situations. We've been told it's good to rephrase content told to us like a good faithful translator (like Lassie's family, who can *always* interpret Lassie's barking as a sure sign that Timmy has fallen in the well again, and the bank is about to foreclose on the farm and those muffins that Ma has made should be disposed of because they have high levels of saturated fat), but it's bad to parrot all the time. It's good to pick up on nuance but bad to read between the lines. It's good to recognize feelings but bad to interpret them. It's good to reflect back feeling, but bad to probe or evaluate. Things were so much simpler back in Lassie's day.

So with the role play, which I really have lost all grasp on, what with trying to remember who "Brad" is in relation to my hypothetical self, and now with the Bob/Tom identity crisis or whatever, and Brad being all distraught about Bob (but we're not allowed to ask the question we're all thinking; "What about Bob??" because then Brad puts the padlocks back on his onion layers, though I don't think I've ever seen an onion with locks in it. Maybe there's one coming soon to the Spori gallery?). So we're left with these terribly awkward situations wherein the brave souls who try to talk to this guy are stuck saying "So you feel embarrassed" and then Brad goes "Yeah." AND THEN WHERE CAN YOU GO?? "....Uh. So you're way embarrassed."
"I didn't say that." And the emotional lockdown repeats.

Can't we just get a locksmith or something?

I guess part of the point is that sometimes people want to talk about something, but it's in their soft inner core and so they beat around the bush (or onion, or cake or parfait, or whatever), and we want things to be comfortable because it's inconvenient to be uncomfortable, and we try to establish that comfort by agreeing with them thinking it'll get us onto the same page. But we're told not to do that. But we're also told to reflect back feeling. But how can you do that without interpreting feeling??

let's talk this through.

2007-01-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

All right.

I always find it cool when something is addressed in class that I'd never really thought about consciously before, but realize that I do it anyway. For instance, on Friday we learned about how we as senders encode messages in different ways depending upon who is going to receive the message and how we predict they'll decode it. This is super true. I have a different blog that my family reads than the one that my friends from home read. Sometimes the same thing will be addressed in both of them, but in differrent ways. They're both true, but focus on different things or aspects of things based on my intended audience; some things get left out or added in, depending on who I think is going to be reading it. Like the missionary letters that people were talking about in class. I wonder if Brock's mom got a letter about him getting mugged by a girl. And if that would make a parent worry more or less.

It kind of makes me think of this short story by Yann Matel in the book The Facts Behind the Helsinki Roccamatios. There is a story/thing called "Manners of Dying" where the excecutioner or warden or something from a prison is writing a letter to the mother of an inmate who had been put to death for the crime. He writes it four different ways, though all of the letters describe the same events. But by changing words, you can change connotations and the feeling/impact of what you're saying, and the outcome is different; the recipient may have received the same information no matter how you presented it, but they way they feel about it depends on how you encoded it.

This brings me to the other thing we learned about, which was another model-staircase, this time of the different means by which we do anything (encode our messages, do a new skill, etc). These levels, from the bottom to the top, are as follows:

Unconcious incompetence wherein you're doing something that's kind of dumb, but you don't know better. (Like when you're in first grade and write a note to the boy you have a crush on that says "I LOVE YOU!" and he's not very happy to get it. Not like that's ever happened to me...)
Concious incompetence occurrs when you know better, but somehow convince yourself that it'll be alright. ("I'm sure if I let the class tarantula out of the aquarium, she'll just stay put, strech her legs a little, and definitely won't go anywhere she isn't supposed to!") I may have been mistaken on that one. Forgive me. Based on more recent class discussion, I guess it's more like when you're learning something new and not getting it; it's a lot harder than you'd thought. ("Who'd have thought crocheting this toaster warmer would've been so difficult??")
Concious competence is the stage wherein you most easily get on other people's nerves, because you've just learned a new skill and want to try it out, but you've got a way to go before you've mastered it. ("Wait, take your hands off your ears, I know I'll hit that note next time...")
Unconcious competence is that stage of anything which we all hope to reach, when something good we've been working on clicks and becomes natural. (if you're able to dance without thinking about it/severely crippling your partner; I can only hope that this will be true of me some day. And I'm sure anyone I've ever danced with hopes so, too.)

Fin. 'Till luego, comrades.

the view from the top [of the staircase of listening].

2007-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, well, while I undoubtedly have a long, long way to go before I make it to THE TOP of the steps of listening (ie empathic listening), I did go to the forum about mental health/drug treatment for prisoners with such troubles (as opposed to incarceration, which doesn't do anything for them beyond keeping them out of society). And the speaker (Judge Brent Moss) at one point quoted something that made me think of, y'know, this class and what we've been learning. And that statement waaaaasss:

"Remember that your judgement is no better than your understanding."

So when you're up to empathic listening, you're not judging, because you're too busy listening in order to understand. Cool, huh? Yeah, I thought so, too. Someday, if I ever become a mental health professional (scary thought...) I will remember this and apply it with the people I am helping. Well, really, I should try this in my day to day life, too, actually...

most men had rather say a smart thing than do a good one.

2007-01-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

Today the topic of discussion (aside from last night's article and the syllabus/grading criteria for the semester) was autobiographical responses vs. empathic listening.

Before engaging in autobiographical responses (APIE), one must first evaluate the dynamics of the situation. When you're in a situation where there are low levels of trust (perhaps someone has a deficit in their Personal Bank Account) and high levels of emotion (this sort of situation is sometimes colloquially referred to as "facing off"), you really don't want to start throwing APIE in their face (get it? APIE? A PIE? Oh whatever). The four autobiographical responses contained in APIE are as follows:

Advise: ("I know exactly what how you feel. This one time, I got stood up by my partner for the trapeze act, but it was all right because I had this solution using only the torch from the fire eaters' act and picking the lock on the tiger cage..." etc.)
Probe: ("Why did they fire you from the Karl Marx Center for Disenfranchised Youth again?")
Interpret: ("Well, according to the basic Jungian archetypes, I'd say Hank is definitely in touch with his anima...)
Evaluate: ("You're weird.")

In the aforementioned situation (Trust:Low/Emotion:High), you're going to want to engage instead in empathic listening. This involves the defenestration of your own agenda in order to best understand the "what is" of the other person's situation/viewpoint, etc. You've got to get rid of your own biases, don't form judgements on the other peopson, just listen to what you're saying. Inconvenience youself (as discussed in the article).

personal application:
I will admit, I'm not very good at any form of listening. Most of the time, I'm not really on any of the steps as illustrated in class. I'm attention-defecit and will often find myself snapping back to reality to see someone talking to me and I have no idea what is going on. Sometimes I don't even know who they are or who they came from. It's very disconcerting. And I'm not even ignoring them, because I didn't know they were taking to me in the first place, and I'm not pretend listening because I don't feel any obligation to pretend to listen to a conversation when I'm not even aware of a. my supposed participation in it and b. whatever else I was doing before this happened (thinking, though I can never quite remember what about).

Sorry, I'm sure this isn't what we're supposed to write, but I don't know what I was thinking about when the bases of discussion were covered. I must have been way out in left field.

speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

2007-01-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

Let's see if I can remember what I'm supposed to write about.

insights
The first thing I learned was that maybe there is something behind this whole biological connection to communication differences between the sexes after all... But I'll have to read more before I'll start accepting the whole explanation about the connection between the hemispheres and everything. So while I maintain my skepticism, I will concede that there are many things that I do not know.

We spoke of balance points today. I have a couple of little diagrams drawn, but can't really make much sense of them. There is this sick cycle between mothers and daughters and sons-in-law. This comes as a result of venting. Now I remember. People vent (men and women, though women are more notorious for it, whereas men want to fix everything). This is okay, because everyone needs to let off steam once in a while because things build up and if you're not careful you'll have an avalance of rage that has built up and it will spill forth and create a catastrophe of Biblical proportions, making people flee for their lives (which is uncomfortable in heels) and car alarms go off and small children cry. In short, nobody wants that to happen. So in order to deter such an event, people vent. Again, this is okay, as long as you vent responsibly. This is done though something called "I-Statements." This is very suitable here, as it goes along with such things as I-Teams, I-Cards, and other such I-Stuff that can be found around campus. They consist of four simple categories of statements:

1: Observation ("When I smelled that aerosol perfume you were spraying in the room this morning...")
2: Interpretation ("...I thought I was going to die from a severe chemical allergy provoking an adverse immune response.")
3: Feeling ("I felt that you were disregarding my life... and it hurt!!")
4: Outcome ("So next time, please do that on the balcony outside so you'll kill the wildlife instead of me, the roomate that you undoubtedly love dearly." )

See?! I bet you're feeling better already!!

When they tried to indoctrinate us with these back in elementary school, however, they didn't work at all. The self-righteous little punks who employed these at the prompting of the Duty Teachers on the playground served only to get on everyone elses' nerves. Within a couple weeks, the level of conflict during recess had compounded exponentially; everywhere the eye could see were exchanges as follows:

Disgruntled Child #1: "When YOU STOLE the wallball from me, I felt ANGRY that you were being so STUPID, so I think you should GIVE IT BACK!"
Disgruntled Child #2: "Oh yeah, well when YOU CUT IN LINE during teatherball yesterday I almost cried because you were being RUDE so I think that you should go STAND AT THE WALL UNTIL YOU DIE!"
And the Duty Teacher would stand there and shake her head.

They quit teaching us about those after that.

But I think that, aside from a certain degree of manipulativeness inherent in this kind of thing if one employs it unwisely (portraying oneself as victimized or whatever), these can be effective. Since you're (hopefully) assuming a certain degree of responsibility, the other person doesn't feel so much that they're being attacked. Also, since it takes so long to say it (especially if you're trying to remember the components/order), you have time to step back and think about what it is you're afriad of, as well (assuming you are angry). This way, you're using the proactive model instead of a reactive one, and you're at more of a level of active listening, and hopefully can therefore achieve some degree of understanding before making assumptions or anything.

Until Wednesday, buen viaje.

"so what you've been saying is the equivalent of executing someone before their trial." "is that bad?"

2007-01-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

Now that I know nearly everyone's name (in the class, that is... not on campus; I think I'll need another few days/weeks/semesters/lifetimes before that happens), we're moving along to learning all kinds of communicate-y things. It's rather pleasant. Or however that is spelled.

We've learned about "Column A" and "Column B," which all of us has. They are, in essence, somewhat like the song "What I Say and What I Mean" by the Like. I haven't actually heard this song all the way though, as I don't much care for that particular group, but I remember the title nonetheless.

Bleah. My writing voice is dreadful today. I'm not sure what I've picked it up from (it changes depending on what I've been reading lately), but I do hope it changes soon.

Insights scattered throughout
+ I never before made the connection between fear and anger. Generally I took it to be the fact that I get scared when someone is mad at me, because rarely does one associate being the recipient of one's wrath to be an enjoyable experience. But I never associated anger and fear being essentially the same, and especially having that component of love in there (well, it's one thing when you're five and prone to running at random through parking lots and your mom gets mad at you because she loves you and would have the fear that you could get smooshed, and another to... Okay, forgot where I was going with that. Never mind. I'm all analogied out.)

General Application
+ The illustration of fear as being negative faith was interesting to me, too. It makes me think of when Nephi and co. need to get the plates from Laban and so Laman and Lemuel. L&L are beating up Nephi because they have poor coping skills, so and angel comes and tells them to knock it off, and right after he leaves, L&L are freaking out (again) because Laban "can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?" Maybe if they'd bothered to go about getting testimonies of their own, they'd figure out that since God commanded them to get the plates, and Nephi has given his scripture mastery spiel (1 Nephi 3:7), that maybe, just maybe, God could prove to be more mighty than Laban. So negative faith, fear, there you go.
+ Another thing I found to be true once I thought about it was the fact that, ususally, we are listening to others using our own agenda as a criteria for what we're listening to/for. When we were shown the five steps of listening, I was rather taken aback to realize that a. I probably spend a lot of my time in the Pretend Listening level (as in a LOT a lot of the time) and b. that's a very low place to be.

Personal Application
+ I'd already had some understanding of the Personal Bank Account concept, but now I'm seeing how it might be applying in my life. There was one incident last semester where this was manifest very strongly, and both myself and the person who kept making withdrawls wound up feeling like (insert unpleasant noun/simile here). So now when I meet people I might think about that a little more. But at the same time I'm so ADHD that I really do wonder about whether or not I really do that (open an account, even a temporary one, for everyone I meet... I often forget people are there).
+ And I am left wondering about the prejudices we have against other people being as a result of their resemplance to ourselves? Because I don't know, but I admittedly have a certain degree of prejudice against people who talk on their cell phones all the time and so while that certainly makes a poor first impression on me, I don't think it's due to any traits that I myself have, as I'm not really fond of talking, particularly on the phone, and especially in public. But then again, people tell me I'm weird, so what can I say?
+ Also, I'm not sure I'm buying into the whole biological-argument as far as communication is based. I'll have to look into it. Styles of communication, even between genders, vary from culture to culture, don't they? So is everyone's biology different? Does testosterone seriously cause severage into the corpus callosum (or whatever, I'm not sure I fully understood what was being said). I'm thinking it's more culturally based (things build up with women because they don't express it at first because they don't want to sound like they're nagging, or they don't want confrontation with whoever they're mad at, etc. etc. I have no idea how men think, so I can't say anything for that category...) Whatever the case is, I'm a psychology major. I'm being trained to be skeptical, especially when people say "studies show" or "statistically" or "based on research..."

Teach
+ I called home and talked to my dad about the anger/fear thing. He's got his own business, and sometimes people get mad. This could be because they're all scared of losing money, because dad wants to be able to support the family, and where I live there are a lot of Donald Trump type people who like money. At least that's my perception anyway. I'm sure they want to support their families as well.

I think that is enough said for today.

friday 12 january 2007.

2007-01-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Today I witnessed the Venus-Flytrap of the handshake world.